In The Service Of Life – The Representative Exp.

The experience of representation in Family Constellation is inexplicable really, yet it’s consistent time after time. Complete strangers are invited to represent characters, family members, symptoms and issues that are center stage in someone’s life. Sometimes, the facilitator determines in advance who will be represented and allows the client to choose them from among group members, then place them intuitively in the space in relation to one another. Some other times, the representatives are asked to place themselves and at times, such as in this constellation, the members of the group were invited to enter the constellation field intuitively without knowing who or what they represent. Such a constellation is called, “dynamic” or “chaotic” where the “knowing field” is the compass for the movement.
My experience was recorded on January 5, 2022.

I was ‘repping’ for a constellation a few weeks ago
Something which I have done quite often although,

This one really hit me right in my core,

And was different than all the experiences I have had before.

It was so intense, so eruptive,

Almost unbearable and yet, so seductive.

Such a cruel abuse of a child, isolated, tortured and restrained,

Reaching the brink of death in a very cold winter land.

Was I representing then? or am I still “detained”?

When does it start and how does it end?

Was I hijacked? or was I free to choose?

Was I summoned? and could I have refused?

Within the field, something is interwoven; unseen strings interlace…

Something starts luring me in, onto the floor, in the middle of the space…

Yet the strongest impulse is to hold back;

“Be quiet”, my inner voice says. Let others lead…

You are not obliged; Don’t have to heed.

But my body surrenders and stands up by its own,

As if being pulled by unseen forces into a zone.

And maybe it’s not the body at all; Maybe it’s consciousness;

Maybe it’s compassion?

None of this makes any sense

in the immediate context of this action.

After all, I can pass through a field, minding my own business,

Not merging, not attuning to what is emerging,

And then this moment arrives,

When all my antennas are pulled out

And I become a probing device;

Detecting and Unveiling with sensory perception,

A ghost like memory that seeks resurrection.

And I cannot but wonder;

What is the relationship between the observed and the beholder?

How does this hidden dynamic appear?

Is it somehow echoed in me?

And does it ever really disappear?

Where has this information been stored,

Before my attention turned it into a phenomenon impossible to be ignored?

Etched in the field of shared consciousness,

How does it turn through my perception,

Into such a complex embodied expression,

Of love and fear, hope and despair, submission and aggression?

And the moment something that strong appears in the field,

Doesn’t that necessarily narrow down other options that could have been revealed?

Not that I really had a choice or that I could decide,

For the connection between me and “it” could not be denied.

And yet, I feel myself responsible,

On the one hand for the character I represent,

And on the other, for the participant who’s holding the intent.

For some moments I ponder; do I have any control and can I quit?

I howled, cried, and growled like a wounded beast.

Then it felt suddenly so primal,

My nervous system Involuntarily,

Wired itself for survival.

I was taking quick, short breaths,

Shivering all over and feeling myself freezing to death.

And at a certain moment of total despair and gloom,

I had the strongest urge to get up and leave the room,

Go to the nearest bar and drink myself into a stupor,

Until all my feelings fade away,

And I have neither a sense of the present nor of the future.

This felt so bizarre;

To sense how alcohol eases the scar.

All the while, I felt as a victim,

Abused by an oppressor,

While most of those around me,

Perceived me as the aggressor.

They were afraid to come near,

Which fostered more and more frustration, desperation, anger and fear.

I felt that I was dying and nobody cared.

I was so tired of fighting

And was getting prepared…

Suddenly, a warm hand touched my back;

It was an act of love which saved me from doom.

It revived me, sustained me and invited life to resume.

The session concluded and I left the room.

The experience though lingered, and I stayed attuned.

I soon found my thoughts wondering in many directions,

Engaging in probing inquiries and fascinating reflections.

On the one hand, it absolutely makes sense,

To expect that such an experience would scare me,

At least for a bit…

However, what unfolded was in fact, the opposite.

Maybe because this trance-like immersion;

This deep sense of no-separation;

Is what I most long for and what brings me consolation.

And it’s possible that this happens to me randomly all the time,

That I become entangled with the collective field,

Kidnaped in service of what is asking to be healed,

And since I haven’t known till recently, to give it its proper attention or space,

It used to affect my body in all sorts of ways.

And my doctor was saying that he never heard of such strange symptoms before,

And that he was not trained to think outside the box, nor to explore.

So maybe this opportunity to delve into such a shamanic state,

Within a contained environment

And a facilitator who can skillfully navigate,

Is a great relief in fact.

To surrender without getting overwhelmed or lost,

Letting go of fear and letting be the host,

I may temporarily be lost to myself,

While feeling fully alive for someone else,

But then

I am found again,

And there is enough space for me as well as for the other,

Which absolutely liberates me and makes me a true lover.

I really cannot stop ruminating about the nature of humanity

with all its splendor and its brutality

And yes, “we’ve got to find a way

to bring some lovin’ here today”,

But isn’t the act of a constellation,

A Symmetry of Love’s perfect interpretation?

This brings much hope and inspiration.

Still more thoughts are floating around

Taking into account

People with sensory modulation disorder

And might it be because of their interaction

with this overwhelming field of data, that has no border?

About the CIA’s famous espionage program

That trained people in extra sensory perception (ESP)

And how is it similar or different, than a representation?

On the possibility of expanding the range

To represent pleasant experiences, for a change.

I also suddenly think of David Bohm

How more than 20 years ago, all by my own

I flipped through the text

of Wholeness & The Implicate Order

My mind was so perplexed,

But my soul, deeply relaxed.

Bohm spoke about the relationship of thinking to reality and asked:

“What could it mean for one part of reality to ‘know’ another, and to what extent would this be possible? Could a thought somehow grasp the very essence of the living movement that we sense in actual experience?”

Then he went further to discuss a new notion of order he called the “Implicate” or “Enfolded” order, where space and time are no longer the dominant factors determining the relationships of dependence or independence of different elements…

Isn’t that the elegance of Systemic Constellation intelligence?

Simply the Knowing Field has no limits

A multi-dimensional field of infinite possibilities

Wow! It’s a lot.

So thank you Bert Hellinger

And all his successors,

As well as the art of Phenomenology

With all of its unexpected yet welcomed gestures.

Phenomenology is a philosophical method. For me it means letting myself be open to additional systems and connections, without having to understand them. I accept them with no desire to help or prove anything. I give of myself without fear or apprehension of what might arise, and the terrible things that come up do not scare me. I’m facing what’s coming up, just as it is  Bert Hellinger